I hate being alone and awake at this hour. I hate my brain. I always end up thinking about things, wishing I wasn’t sitting here alone and wondering if it will ever change. I wonder if anyone will ever love me again and I get terrified that it will never happen, that I’ve already had my time and I blew it, but I can’t live my life dwelling on the past. I need some sort of hope… I need something and I hope I get it soon. I’m 24 and I know I’m still young, but I don’t want to wait til I’m 30 to find the right guy and settle down, that’s not the life I want. I’ve already got the crazy shit out of my system, I don’t need to wait anymore. I’m not saying I’m ready to have children and be a mom and a wife, I’m saying that I’m ready for a real relationship, I’m ready for real love and everything it has to offer, I’m ready to give someone forever and ever. I probably make no sense, but my thoughts make no sense. I should juss try to sleep. Bleh.
But there seems to be a hole in me that I can’t seem to fill with anyone.
Mom - “What am I doing here? I’m going to beat my meat.”
Me - “Oh really, mom?”
Mom - “Yea, I’m gonna see what it’s like to be a guy.”
That awkward moment when someone you only knew for a day tells you they are legit falling in love with you… O.o
Don’t fucking remix Whitechapel. How dare you.
Britney - “This is the song I want to play when I take off into space or when I die.”
Lately I’ve learned that things that aren’t meant to be, won’t be, there will be nothing to make it work when it isn’t right. Another thing that I’ve learned is when there’s potential in something, there’s no need to rush it, every slow step is nothing but perfect and you want every second to slow down as much as possible so it can be enjoyed to it’s full extent. Both things I’ve known for a long time, but I’ve never actually stood back and thought about everything and that’s exactly what I’ve been doing lately. My life is changing, despite the fucked up curves I’m thrown, I feel like everything is getting better and it’s juss going to continue going that way. I won’t let anything get in my way if I have control over it. I’m tired of being the way I am, this depressed, self loathing, 24 year old woman. I don’t want to hate myself anymore, I don’t want to cut myself anymore, I don’t want to starve myself anymore, I don’t want to feel alone and sad anymore, I want all that bullshit to be my past and to stay that way. I feel like I can be happy and I don’t want to be anything else.
Drove to Apopka on Sunday with Britney to get Allie, then off to Tampa to see Whitechapel. THEY WERE FUCKING AMAZING!!! Chimara played also, I hadn’t listened to them since high school, they were fucking great and the guitar player was so hot. Whitechapel… fucking I can’t even describe how amazingly intense they were. We got right up front after I was able to move some bitches out of my way. Phil is far more attractive in person, FUCK! Before they started he was standing back stage, we made solid eye contact and I almost melted to the floor. Asking Alexandria was a big disappointment, they had a lot of energy, but Dannys vocals were shit. We walked out before it was over, started going towards to car and I stopped them because every time I met someone in a band it was by the tour buses and they were all parked on the side. We started walking back and I was looking for anyone, and sure enough there’s fucking Phil, sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette and talking on the phone. Of course I couldn’t be rude and I had to wait til he got off the phone so we continued walking and saw all these people standing near him. He finally got off the phone and everyone attacked, my immediate thought was “fuck my life”. Well, I was trying to wait til everyone was done, then some fucking black dude came up and asked for a lighter and tried selling my best friends drugs, fucking distraction. I turned around, made solid eye contact with Phil AGAIN and as soon as I was about to open my mouth and talk, some fuckhead started talking and scared him on his bus. Most disappointing moment ever. Phil, I will see you again, we will meet, and I will have an amazing conversation with you and I can’t wait for that.